In my “before” time, I was active. Rollerblading roughly 8 miles, 3-4 days a week. Riding my bike inside on my cycle trainer while watching tv. Though, plenty of times I was glued to the couch with a video game, not gonna lie. Go back further & I was losing 100pds. Giving it my all on the treadmill, lifting weights, shadowboxing in between. I was the 1st part of the video. Just go, go, go...
Then, that all changed.
When I read people with my condition(s) need to slow down & not push themselves, it was like reading a bunch of nonsense words. I needed to maintain my weight, I needed to keep pushing. Maybe it was denial. Maybe I thought I wasn’t “sick enough” for slowing down to pertain to me.
It didn’t take long for me to realize that I didn’t have a say in the matter. I’d push myself to physically move faster, last longer, but it would result in lost days. Days where all I could do was recover. Forget showering, forget cleaning, forget using the stairs, forget socializing, forget concentrating... breathing and existing were hard enough. Life moves by fast. Most people rarely stop to think about the food they eat, drinks they consume, caffeine, alcohol, water. They’re passing thoughts to the healthy. I know cus they were all passing thoughts to me too. Now, the wrong food or drink can cause me to curl up into the fetal position in pain, or cramp my stomach so bad I end up a sweaty mess on my bathroom floor.
Becoming the 2nd part of the video was essential, vital to my being. It didn’t happen overnight. Self awareness of my state (mental, physical, emotional) and being honest with myself were big players in helping me find my flow.
Yes, I move slower, I think slower, I recover slower, and I’m unable to do everything I used to. But I’m okay with that. Because by being challenged to slow down, I’ve been granted the time and ability to see beauty and wonderment in all things. I think of how beautifully seagrass sways with the tide on the ocean floor, with the flow. I slowed down and learned my body & my limitations from scratch to help my new self be my best self. Only then did I stop struggling in the chaos of resistance and begin to flow in my own beautiful way.